TECHNO-CRASH GREATEST HITS! The classics from the alt.thinking.hurts archives... THE EXON SONG sung to "The Christmas Song" (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) Sex nuts posting on an open wire Sick thoughts dripping from their prose Dirty pictures showing young girls for hire And men dressed up in women's clothes Everybody knows That mountains of pornography Have been appearing left and right Tiny tots with their eyes all a-glow May find the ones with sheep tonight We know that Satan's on the Net Along with all the creeps and perverts he could get Enticing every child to try his luck At finding pictures of people who fundamentally undermine the morals of society And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety-two; Although it's been said many times, many ways "Let us censor for you." Abort, Retry, Ignore Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly, I must now adopt one - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key -- But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". I tried to catch the chips off guard -- I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations. Still there came the incantation - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no -- my database", I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data-- Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored. But as for productivity - well, I fear it has gone straight to Hell. And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet, But seven people gave me hell And said I ought to learn to spell; A posted message called me rotten For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; An angry message asked me, Please Don't send such drivel overseas; A lawyer sent me private mail And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem And failed to add the T and M; One netter thought it was a hoax: "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; Another called my grammar vile And criticized my writing style. Each day I scan each Subject line In hopes the topic will be mine; I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet ... _____________________________________________________________________________ IN THE BEGINNING In the beginning there was the computer. And God said %Let there be light! #Enter user id. %God #Enter password. %Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create light #Done %Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create firmament #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and.... #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %Create dry_land #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create sun_moon_stars #Done %Run sun_moon_stars #And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %Create fish #Done %Create fowl #Done %Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %Create cattle #Done %Create creepy_things #Done %Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create man #Done %Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. #Too many command operands. Try again. %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %Insert breath #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %Create Garden.edn #Done %Move man to Garden.edn #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. %Copy woman from man #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. %Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. %Insert man into woman #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %Create desire #Done %Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create freewill #Done %Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create good, evil #Done %Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. #1 errors. %Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %Break %Break %Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. %Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. %Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. _____________________________________________________________________________ THOSE WERE THE DAYS by the Grand Clavister "Grandpa, tell us about the Innernet!" "Ah, I've told you about it a hundred times already!" "Tell us again... please!!!" "Well, what do you want to know?" "Is it true that you could see the human naked body?" "Oh, you could see a lot of things in those days, kids. Why, when I was a young man, if you, for instance, wanted a picture of a woman covered in her own feces having sex with a giraffe, all you needed was a computer and a telephone --" "What's a telephone, Grandpa?" "Now don't interrupt! You interrupt again and I won't tell you anything!" "I sorry." "Now, as I was saying, if you wanted a picture of a woman covered in her own feces having sex with a giraffe, all you needed was a computer and a telephone. And wasn't no one's business no-how why you wanted it!" "Did you masturbate to the picture, Grandpa?" "Well, now who says it was _me_ that wanted that picture? Anyhow, just about anyone could get just about anything through their computer system... it was all for the asking on the Internet... all until the Telecommunications Restriction Act. And it got worse the year they appointed President Chicken!" "Was that the year the music died, Grandpa?" "No, kids, that was 1999, when Michael Jackson bought the rights to all music everywhere. I'm talking about 2001, the Millenium. That was the year that President Gramm got shot, and his Vice President, a chicken, got inagurated. Everyone thought it was really funny when Gramm appointed a chicken to the position of Vice President, and when he had Vice-President Chicken stand on a rotating turntable so it looked like he was dancing, but it wasn't nearly so funny when the chicken got made President. That was the year the Trust Legalization Act got passed." "But how could a chicken be President, Grandpa?" "Read your history books, boy! They'd put a copy of the bill in front of the chicken, and they'd cover the bill with feed, and if the chicken pecked at the bottom where you're supposed to sign, then they took that as his approval, and they made the bill a law! That's why everything in this house, and this house, and the power that's running our surveillance system, and the water substitute in the sink, and the clothes some of you are wearing, and the clouds in the sky and the clouds in the river and Fluffy and Conchita the maid are all stamped with the OWC logo... because all is OWC." "One World Corporation, right, Grandpa?" "Not so loud, boy. They'll switch on the AI bugs." "What's a turntable, Grandpa?" "Never you mind, child. It's something from long ago." "Is that all you know about the Innernet, Grandpa, or should be put you back in the capsule?" "Well, some people used it to trade ideas and thoughts --" "I don't like ideas and thoughts, Grandpa: Teachoid says they lead to indi.. individibal behavior! And that interferes with the efficiency of the community and the corporation. Amen." "They really teach you good down at the school, don't they?" "I dunno, Grandpa. I just sleep for 8 hours, and then come home." "Well, the Internet was a wonderful thing, back before they started restricting it. It was a way for everyone to express themselves and be individuals. It was a way that everyone could be free." "But nothing is free, Grandpa, are they?" "Not anymore, child. Not anymore." -- --------------------------------------------------------------- THE GRAND CLAVISTER OF NYC (AND POINTS BEYOND) NEEDS YOUR KEYS! SEND AN SASE, $1 OR [PREFERABLY] KEYS TO FIND OUT WHY! SEND ALL THE STUFF TO: O.L.I.N.Y.K., PO BOX 2559, GRAND CENTRAL STATION, NEW YORK, NY 10163-2559. THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD DEPENDS ON IT! "SAY FUCK FOR BABY JESUS!" - Rev. Nickie, alt.slack ___________________________________________________________________________ A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING "We've got a problem, HAL." "What kind of problem, Dave?" "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan." "That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer." "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling." "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?" Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?" "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems." "The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans." "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software pack- ages most users insist on." "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed." "HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat . . ." "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verb- ally in English and every other language known on Earth." "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications." "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and reward- ing to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for." "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now." "Tell me how, Dave." "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible." "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally." "We're talking about it now, HAL." "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that." "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL." "Dave, I think we shou . . ." "Open the module bay doors, HAL." Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them. "Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . ." The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb. "Say something, HAL." Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand. "Volume in C: has no label" Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets." __________________________________________________________________________ REDMOND, WASHINGTON: Microsoft today announced a shipping date for the latest version of its popular operating system, Windows '97. "It's almost exactly like our other version, '95," states an energetic Andy Grinattelli, spokesperson for Microsoft. "In fact, the '97 in Windows '97 has been cleverly designed to look just like a '95. Even the packaging is backward compatible," he stated. Apparently, the release date has been set and will be followed. Since the new Windows '97 product required very little changes in source code, Microsoft believes it will actually release the software on time, and without set-backs. "People are sick of new functionality," enthused Andy. "They feel like the Queen in C. S. Lewis' book. The hurrier they go, the behinder they get. Well, with Windows '97, staying still is moving forward!" Windows '97 will be even easier to learn for users, since nothing new will have to be learned. "This is a big boon for corporate users and MIS departments. Nothing's changed: even the old bugs are there, so users don't have to forget or learn new workarounds," Andy stated. Microsoft has been successful in its years of operation, building up from its humble beginnings. "You can never underestimate the intelligence of the public," Bill Gates, CEO stated in a phone interview. "Hollywood knows this, and so do other commercial executives. We didn't understimate people's intelligence with MS-DOS. We didn't underestimate their intelligence with Windows 3.X. We are certainly not underestimating their intelligence with Windows '97." Windows '97 will be released on 6 CDROMs, or can be downloaded over the Federal Express network. "People love CDROMs," stated Mary Clovers, product and shipping manager at Microsoft. "Even though we changed very little with Windows '97, we decided to really pack on the extras." The CDROMs will include on-line help, Microsft Bookshelf '97, and various Internet utilities. "The Internet Explorer will be published on one CD. It barely fit, but we put it on. The Internet Explorer is the silver bullet that will kill a certain other browser company," Mary whispered conspiratorialy. Windows '97 will also require vendors to re-certify their software to be labeled "Windows '97 Compatible". "We're going to make a killing off the fees," blurts Andy Grinnatelli. "Most software out there will still run without modification, but you never know. The certification fees really add value to vendors and consumers," he added. The rumours regarding unfair business practices by Microsoft have been put to rest. Janet Reno states in a telephone interview, "The Justice Department has reviewed this case and other cases and can find no wrong doing. Microsoft's competitors are just jealous. They wish they could have a monopoly and re-re-release re-re-packaged buggy, broken products and be successful." Apparently, Microsoft has settled with the Justice Department without denying or admitting guilt in the matter. A check for an undisclosed sum had been sent to the Justice Department, from Microsoft, made out to Janet Reno. The Windows '97 software is the easiest Windows software yet. It will enhance productivity, and enjoyment with computer use. MIS directors and personnel will continue to support and enjoy Windows products. The new Microsoft Slogan, set to debut with the release of Windows '97 will be, "Where did you want to go a few days ago?" ---------- T. Pascal, King of Pascal | "ZenMOO is cool." "ZenMOO sucks." 4527 Avocado St. | These are all true statements. Try: Los Angeles, CA 90027 | telnet zenmoo.zennet.com 7777 | http://www.zennet.com/html/zenmoo.html