Horror Scopes...

Imagine if you saw this in the paper!

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie a
great deal.  You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you're stupid.
Everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you're being followed by the FBI
or CIA.  You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for
flaunting your power.  You lack confidence and are
generally a dip-shit.

Aries (Mar 21 - April 19)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.  You are quick
tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are a prick.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and work
like hell.  Most people think you're stubborn and bull headed.  You are
nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you are
bisexual.  You are inclined to expect too much for too little.  This means
you are a cheap bastard.  Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems which makes
you a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That is why you will
always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.  Everybody in prison
is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are an idiot.  Most
Leos are bullies.  You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism.  Your
arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and spend
most of their time kissing mirrors.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This shit-picking is sickening
to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while
fucking.  Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If you are
male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.
Most Libra women are whores.  All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The worst of the lot.  You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You
shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.  Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to rely
only on luck since you have no talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks.  Nixon was a Sagittarian.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You are basically a
chickenshit.  There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.  You should
kill yourself.