CLUES FOR INDUHVIDUALS The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should help a lot. 1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2.If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. 3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4.No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5.A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6.It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat. 7.When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8.When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9.The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. 10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. 11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. Practical Jokes for the Office From DNRC operatives: Prank #1: Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2: Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary... including words that do not exist. If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free. For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations. Prank #3: Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music. Prank #4: Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple." Prank Report: (a DNRC field report from a mission completed) An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion. Induhviduals Calling Tech Support...another true tale from tech support: Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Induhvidual: "How do I know when it's ready? True Tales of Induhviduals These true tales of Induhviduals have been reported by DNRC members: My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" ----- A co-worker was playing with an astronomy program called 'Distant Suns' when an Induhvidual walked by, noticed his monitor and inquired what he was doing. He replied that he was connected to the Hubbell telescope and was manipulating its view from his keyboard over the Internet. He even let this person take a try at moving our NASA's multi-million dollar telescope himself, just by clicking the mouse and the arrow keys! The person could not pry himself away, thinking he was working with the Hubbell and could not wait to tell his wife what he had done at work. ----- An Induhvidual in my office was having trouble with his e-mail. I overheard him discussing the fact that people to whom he had mailed things yesterday had not yet received the messages. I asked about the e-mail "outbasket" and he replied that there was nothing there because he had cleaned it all out this morning. A stunned silence followed while I attempted to not laugh, and then I asked him if he meant that he deleted everything in the outbasket. Yup. Oops. It must be rough being the new guy. ----- Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. Hey, interns work free. ----- I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents. ----- One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" ----- This Induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. ----- I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich. ----- I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The Induhvidual who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" ---- Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from Induhvidual: